I am so sick and fucking tired of my “past” popping in for a guest visit in my “present” …uninvited.

Have you ever had those moments when you are struggling with a problem or a concern or an issue (or possibly all three at the same time) and it is at that moment when your past memories decide to make its presence known?

When I talk about my “past”, I am referring to those not-so-good moments (and we all have them albeit some of us more than others) that pop into our heads and wants to establish residence and…it almost always happen at the wrong time.

As I am writing this, I have had several episodes just today alone… But the one that keeps reoccurring happened during my junior year in college. This one episode had me trying to seek acceptance by trying to get accepted into a sorority; a world that I so very much wanted to be part of at the time (or so I thought). I attended all the mixers, dressed the right way, said all the right things…only to be rejected.

A strong word I used there, “rejection”.
Would “shut out” have been better?
What about “unacceptable”?

All three words describe the way I was feeling that day….all because I did not possess that certain something; a ” je ne sais quoi”…let me explain.

My parents did not attend college, so they were not involved with any type of Greek organization; nor did they “hob nob” with those that considered themselves ” better than”; but what could I say, I was in my 20’s and was attempting to carve out my place in the world…I considered myself smart, intelligent, versed in current events, just as good if not better…but that did not matter. I was “not their kind of people” and that was that. But because I was smart and made pretty good grades, I was always picked for class projects where my participation as part of the team helped their bottom line with regards to their GPA…and again, that was that.

That particular episode has been playing in my memory banks for a while now… still stings, by the way. But at the same time I am wrestling with a host of other fucking issues such as the following:

First, my job that I hate so much because of the pay, management issues, low morale, lack of opportunities… I could go on all day about this.

Second, my age. I can’t help the fact that I am getting older and my outside age so do not match my inside age. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for being able to still take care of myself and to get around without any assistance, but there’s just so much more out there that I can do; I don’t want to be confined to just going to work and going home afterwards.

Third, my life is not where I feel it needs to be and these “episodes of the worse kind” does not better the situation any. I can try to block it out and focus my time and energy elsewhere… but it’s like the proverbial cockroach… It keeps on coming back again… and again… and again…

All of this with just 63 days left until the presidential election…

CAN WE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP????

I have been out for nearly the past month on medical leave. Why you ask? Emotional meltdown. OK, I did not exactly crack up and lose my basket…but I came pretty damn close. The month of March was not good at all, everything that could go wrong did. Work(people getting promoted left and right); management getting on my last nerves(I could never get anything right, which partially explains why I was late for work on some days), my car kept breaking down with one major expense after the other; first the timing belt, then the alternator and that belt; there went all of my tax refund check… 700 something dollars and some change for those repairs…all of that and my mother whining about never having any money(give me a f*****g break here)and having to go to do this and that(no one else could do this, and since I am the “single”one, I should have plenty of free time as well as money…to give her).

My health started going into freefall in a not so good way. Digestive issues, money issues, found out that my horn stopped working on my car; cost to fix around $300 as they have to go into the electrical system. That same day when going downhill my front end started shaking very radically along with the steering wheel; need to check if tires or breaks are bad; cost for that; $65 – $70.
And with all of that, my check was short as my medications needed filling cost of those at $100 for 4 scrips 90day supply.

That left me with no money to make my car payment; if you call what I was driving that. What’s a girl to do, you ask? You call and try to work out an arrangement of sorts with the lender(it was early and the payment was not due for 10 days). I called and spoke with a customer service advocate (fancy title, huh)for over an hour on a Saturday morning, where my monthly payment to be split into 4 payments to be carried to the end of the note, when I would then make my last payment in December instead of November. That gave me much needed breathing room to handle my other matters and to get back on track.

Or so I thought. About 2 weeks later I get a call from the lender asking me when can we expect to receive a payment as you are now 5 days late; I informed The Advocate that I had already made payment arrangements and explained that the payment was going to be taking off and added to the end of the note where my final payment would be made in December as instead of November I politely gave her the name of the individual I spoke with when I spoke with them and the time I spoke with her. She checked the information in their system and acknowledge that that information was there however, she stated that it was too long of a wait and it was not fair to the other customers and I needed to find a way to come up with that money to make my payment to avoid paying late fees.

I practically became unglued at that moment. I explained to her again that these arrangements were made the Saturday two weeks before the actual due date they were agreed upon and I expected to have them do the same and honor the agreement as well. The advocate was not having it. She went on and stated that that representative had no business making that type of arrangement as it was too long of a time to make a payment and she mentioned that she was going to send an email to this representative and let her know that.

My blood was really boiling and my nerves were shot as my blood pressure went straight up through the ceiling. I mention to her about sending an email to the other representative that I made the payment arrangement with was she going to tell her that that the payment arrangement made was null and void and I had better find a way to come up with the money? I told her I felt like I was being thrown in front of a train to be run over.

She proceeded to say that no one was throwing me under the bus, and I replied,”Not yet you’re not”. I then went on to say when one strikes a deal with another is expected to keep that agreement since
it was made in good faith. If not, that to me shows they no “cred”
whatsover, because once the fog clears, all you have is your word, and if you ruin that… I hope you get the idea.

Having a word apparently did not mean s*** to them because they kept calling constantly for a period of three weeks right up to the day after Easter, and by that point my blood pressure was totally shot I felt my stomach is absolutely swell up with
stress and it was just eating me alive. I felt my sugars even doing the dance of death in my head. I was ravaged and f****** wreck and one wrong move would have definitely sent me off the deep end. So what the f*** a girl supposed to do here?

You go to the doctor, that’s what you do. After running a series of tests taking my blood work and all the other vitals my doctor explained to me that I was probably inches away from getting my butt fired because the stress was unbearable and it showed in my tone of voice, which range from sheer anger to major tears. I was absolutely hot and my blood pressure and my sugars were off the damn charts. She also mention that if I kept going at this pace I would find myself in a padded room at the state hospital and to “stop the bleeding” I was going to have to let some stuff go even if it meant my credit remaining in the toilet to have some type of order return in my life.

I had a Kodak moment when I saw my future staring at me, and I most definitely did not like what I saw staring back at me…

All I know is that I am sick and f****** tired of living my life this way… But I really don’t know what else I can do because I have seem to run out of options.

My doctor decided that it was best for me to take a medical leave of absence effective April 4th because if I didn’t the end result would not be pretty. And I have to agree with her on that one so this time I’m going to use to kind of sort out things or what I want what I need to do in my world and try to apply it to the real world.

I am sick and tired of this and I need to find an end to this.
So how did it all turn out? Well, I kept up my part of the bargain with the car…they’ll get over it.

As for the rest of the story, as the late Paul Harvey would say…

…I can’t give everything away…you’ll.just have to stay tuned.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt:
Take a line from a song that you love or connect with.
Turn that line into the title of your post.

The following song definitely gets me. I have had a very shitty two weeks. I get reprimanded for my tardies, which felt like a knife was stuck in my back and twisted, any chances for advancement and/or promotion went bye-bye that same day. In addition, my partner “in crime” got promoted over me and is training for the position that I also applied for… and didn’t get. I won’t exactly say I am envious of her, because in all truth, she’s a good kid and is definitely deserving… all I am asking why I wasn’t I considered? I am having issues with my car that I pray will not cost an arm and a leg; and to close out the two weeks, hell day with whining individuals as well as those who shit don’t stink(in their minds) and thinks the rules don’t applied to them….

If there’s a song that sums up every feeling and emotion that I have, it is this one.

Sometimes I feel
Like I don’t belong anywhere
And it’s gone take so long
For me to get somewhere
Sometimes I feel
So heavy hearted
But I can’t explain
Cause I’m so guarded

But that’s a lonely road to travel
And a heavy load to bare
And it’s a long, long way to heaven
But I gotta get there
Can you send an angel?
Can you send me an angel?
Guide me.

Prelude To A Kiss, music and lyrics by Alicia Keys.
From her album, “As I Am”. Released in 2007
Courtesy of Ms. Keys and J Records.

 

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt :

Remember the seven cardinal sins? You’re given the serious task of adding a new one to the list — another trait or behavior you find particularly unacceptable, for whatever reason. What’s sin #8 for you? Why?

Yes, we all know of the Seven Cardinal Sins  (and if not, we should), those being Lust, Greed, Gluttony, Envy, Anger(or Wrath), Pride, and Sloth; and the Seven Heavenly Virtues: Chastity, Charity, Temperance, Kindness, Patience, Humility, and Diligence.

I am adding to that list the eighth cardinal sin…unaccountable.

The word unaccountable is defined by Dictionary.com as impossible to account for; unexplained; exempt from being called into account;  not answerable.

In other words, not required to justify actions or any decisions, results, or consequences  (this definition provided by Oxford Dictionaries)

Why that word? Time and again you and I have heard the following phrase:

“Be accountable for your actions”

That phrase has been run over, push overboard, drowned, burned, what have you.  We live in a society where there are those who do not take responsibility for their actions; in other words, be accountable. As a result , we pay the price for those actions , which can range from political factions to the special interest groups to the workplace down to our own lives and those of our loved ones.

When caught in the act and forced to explain the “cause and effect” of what has happened the individual(s) will either say it was not their fault or they will invoke their constutional right to not answer for fear of self -incrimination.

With that being said, I am also adding to the list the eighth heavenly virtue: accountable; which would be the opposite.

Why did I add that word?

As stated earlier:

We need to be accountable for our actions.  All of us.

 

 

Tell us about the last time you were really, truly jealous of someone. Did you act on it? Did it hurt your relationship?

It was about a month ago. This person who I once worked with had accepted a promotion to a job as a proofreading analyst..or editor…one of those, my memory escapes me now. She mentioned it would afford her the opportunity to travel and save money to buy a house; things I …and here’s the kicker; she is only 33 years old , only been with the company two years and making approximately 50k annually.

Get that…33 years old and already making that kind of money, while I am still struggling trying to make ends meet…after losing my job and the perks that came with it…and literally starting over…again.

I would say I am more envious of this individual than jealous. I know it’s wrong on so many levels, but let’s be real here. It is hard to be happy for someone who has achieved that kind of success that you have been trying to work at for a long time…and still “have not arrived”.

If I had to draw comparisons, it would come down to this … support. I know she has family who believed, supported, and encouraged her to go for her dreams and if it didn’t work out, it is not the end of the world. A strong support system, I would say.

It is fucking hell if you’ve never had that.

Having no real “support system” of any type in place,

I had to try anyway.

I shared my passion to be a writer, only to be told that it’s nothing more than just a pipe dream and therefore I am wasting my time; what is wrong with working a “regular” type job(which I define as getting up going to work, coming home, going to bed, get up and do the same damn thing… over and over and over…) and having a family? Nothing…if that is what you want.

With the backstory now provided, I will proceed to answer the question. Did I proceed to act on it? And if I did, was the relationship damaged?

Let me proceed by answering the question with a question:

Would it have matter if I did?

This blog is for the purpose of expressing what I am so damn sick and tired of…and other points of interest.  It appears in our world there is no respect for anyone or anything.  Times are changing, as are events in our world, and for some of us, we are not able to handle what has been placed before us.

We tried do what is right, but there instances when we have been given “the shaft” (or so we think).  What I am sick and tired of?  The topics vary…from the weather to politics…and all points in between.

Feel free to view.  And once again, welcome.